*The much awaited and ballyhooed photoshoot for S.K. was finally done Saturday and it went off perfectly; even better than I imagined it would. Ben was magnificent and S.K. was a real pro. But I'm relieved it's done. I very much look forward to seeing the results in a few days.
*I've been very busy with the band - working on the website. Also, I'm just beginning to build another NEW ONE for us. Our new lead singer Shawn came over Sunday and we re-cut some vocals to our latest song, which is now done. Hear it below...
*We will be cutting a another new song this Saturday.
*I will have some minor surgery on my throat this Friday. Joy. :-)
*Lonnie is back from Texas and from visiting his dying mother. It was not easy for him, but overall it was the right thing to do and was much needed.
*Just uploaded our latest song, one of two new ones, actually. You can hear them HERE.
Since last Friday, I have been fighting off this head cold that's been going around. Sunday and Monday it got worse. Today, I decided to stay home and take care of myself in the hope that it'll go away sooner.
And finally, my car insurance check is on its way for the accident I had. I'll have enough left over to tie up some loose financial ends and celebrate a little. Very little. ;-)
Later today, I will pass off to Shawn a rough acoustic demo that Lon and I did with "Falling Into You," Yes She Was" and "In the Blackest Night" on it, so he can learn the vocals for it. Yea. :-)
Back to bed... Where's a nurse when ya need one? Both Ben and my Dad had it right - they married nurses. Ha! Good for them. ;-)
What a productive day yesterday was. Wow. Love it. ;-)
At noon, our new vocalist, Shawn, came over to work with us, as he does now every Sunday afternoon. I made a big breakfast for all three of us - scrambled eggs with jalapenos and cheddar, sausages, orange juice, fresh-ground French Roast coffee, etc. During that, he asked me if I would accompany him with my guitar at an audition for "America's Got Talent," which is a lame TV talent show, but you can win a million bucks if you win (fat chance). The try-outs are at the end of this month. This sort of thing is normally not my thing, but in the interest of bonding with our newest band member, who is much more gregarious and attention-loving than I (hey, ya gotta be a bit of a ham to be lead singer in a band, right?), I agreed to help him out.
After breakfast, we had Shawn re-do a few vocal lines on "Full Moon Tonight." Now this week I can mix that and get that song done. In addition to that, we have four other new songs in the pipeline to record. After Shawn left, Lon and I finished a song I had started a few days ago called, "Falling Into You." It's a haunting ballad that has special meaning to me. Lon liked it, so we struggled together until we finished the lyrics. We'll record that one next weekend. The following weekend, we'll record a song that Lon started called "Yes She Was."
While we were still working on the lyrics to "Falling Into You," Hannah K. called me, just to catch up. Said she was driving by my place on the way to Bellevue when she thought of me. Hannah, a former nursing student, now a nurse, worked with me for a couple years. Monday the 14th is Hannah's birthday. Actually, I knew that because I had the presence of mind to mark it on a calendar several months ago, and so I had already sent her an e-card yesterday timed to be delivered today. But I think it blew her mind that I actually remembered, anyways. ;-) Other than occasional email and MySpace messages back and forth - too far and few between these days - I had not heard from her in awhile. So it was wonderful to hear her voice again and catch up. We agreed to get together soon, perhaps to catch a movie and a bite to eat or something, as we had done in the past (what was it we saw together once? "The Constant Gardner"? Good film, good times....). Anyway, I've missed her lots, so it was a nice surprise.
At the end of the night, I made dinner and Lon and I listened to and reviewed all the new songs, which we always record on a small, cheap cassette recorder, so we won't forget the melodies and chord changes on each. We have enough new music to keep us busy recording for the next two months. By the end of the year, Lord willing, we'll go live.
*Usually about this time, or a little later, no later than Spring of each year, I hear from Helena. What a sorry mess it's all become. It isn't as if I don't miss her now and then, and Lord knows if she would only have sought treatment, we would've been married long ago. Some say I should have sought treatment for hanging in there so long with her. Almost 17 years on and off, and how many tears have we shed over the whole thing - all the prayer, effort, time, and money? I remember her lying on the living room floor here, crying her eyes out just a couple of summers ago. I feel for her; I wept with her. But if she won't help herself, what can I do? I wish I could have that time back. Either her - in wholeness and sanity - or the time. I don't know which anymore.
Ben told me a week ago or so of a dream he had in which I was saying - to him or to who, I don't know - that if it weren't but for "that one thing" (her mental stability), she and I would be together to this day. How could he know that it was only a couple of days before that when I said the very same thing to a couple of colleagues at work. In other words, he dreamed something I had said a couple of days before - verbatim.
And this brings me to a subject that's been on my mind a lot in recent months - the whole mid-life crisis thing, age-gap relationships, and, well, just relationships in general: In recent months I've watched as a young friend of mine has become some other guy's mid-life crisis, right before my very eyes. To be brutally honest, in the end, that's really all she is for him (though apparently he doesn't know it). What's worse, she doesn't understand the male mid-life dynamic, either. How can she, really? So, she doesn't really see what's coming. And then there are the psycho-dynamics of her own motives and rationale, to say nothing of her youth (relative to his, that is). "The human heart, who can know it?" as the Psalmist says.
This is all very familiar territory to me, because of my own similar experiences. That's why I don't condemn or judge my young friend or her older boyfriend about this. See, I had my own little version of this with someone else (well, two someone elses, actually - B.K. and K.K.) - within the past 8 - 10 years. And, in the end, it hurt like hell - for all parties involved. I've finally pretty much gotten through the mid-life crisis thing (I hope!). It exists all right. Don't let anyone lie to you. But still, it doesn't mean I don't have a heart for her, this friend. I do. And when the sh*t hits the fan, as inevitably it will, I hope I can still be the kind of friend she really needs. Not a finger-wagger. Not a smarmy "I told you so-er!" I have committed to her this much, at least.
Even more problematic than their considerable age difference (which is not insurmountable in itself) is an added complication: St. Paul was right when he said, "Do not be unequally yoked [together with unbelievers]." Oh, the emotional pain this recalls! For me, B.K. was not a believer and this was eventually our painful undoing, among other things. K.K. was no believer, either. At least, not at first. But later, by God's grace, and I guess my own persistent and gentle persuasion, she did become a Christian. Then, a year later, she backslid and fell away into a life of, oh, let's just say, 'experimental dissipation', where she still remains, last I heard. She'll come around. Eventually.
Virtually all unequally yoked relationships fail, or at least suffer badly, in the long run. But, then, I truly believe that for my friend, her boyfriend's unbelief and his spiritual ignorance (compared to her spiritual knowledge) is nearly the whole point - the raison d'être - of the relationship itself: he was a (handsome) place - an oasis - she could run to and take refuge - where she could hide and unfold in her own way and at her own pace and not be hounded by her sheltered past, her family's and friends' well-meaning admonitions, or even her own spiritual beliefs. He is her place of make-believe...a place perhaps only a dreamer could love, under the circumstances. A dreamer, for that's what she is - it is both her gift to others and her self-wounding affliction. Near-sighted though her vision may be right now, even dreamers must wake up eventually. It's just a matter of when. I had to wake up. And it wasn't fun. But when my back was up against the wall, it was the only real way out.
The cursed thing about people - and the blessing - is that we all constantly change. A woman goes through so much change in her twenties alone. This is what my older sister once told me, and I've seen it to be true in the women I've known. What a woman thinks and feels and believes at 20 will look so small - even silly - at 30; worse still at 40! And, usually, any really big decisions she makes at 20 she will likely regret. Likewise, a man in his late 30s - mid-40s - the "mid-life" phase. He feels and sees himself changing - he looks in the mirror - he is not the 'strapping young buck' he once was - and he reaches back to recapture his past in pursuits better suited to his younger self. But like sand slipping through his fingers, he cannot hold on to youth. Not really. He, like the young woman, must come to terms with who he is becoming, like or not.
A woman is terrified of 30, then 40. A man is terrified of 40, then 50. But there is often a crossover period, where the two phases overlap; where a man and a woman, each of a certain age bracket, can and often do find a common 'holy grail': the man seeks a beautiful young woman to reaffirm his meaning, relevance, desirability, and virility as he realizes that his life is already half over (if he's lucky to live so long). The woman seeks an older established man, a stable presence she can trust. He has long ago sown his wild oats. He makes a good living. He knows himself. He is mature. He will provide for and support her and encourage her, she hopes, even through childbirth and child-rearing. But is any of this real? For only the rare few does this 'age-gap love,' so-called, endure a lifetime. And the later in life it happens for both, the better chances they have. For instance, a 50-year old who marries a 30 or 35-year old will have an easier go of it that a 45-year old who marries a 21-year old. It can happen for the latter. But it's a small percentage that see it all the way through the slings and arrows of well-meaning friends, family, and professional colleagues. Problem is, we believe that where others will fail, we will not. We are the lucky few. The Blessed. The Chosen. Hm. Grmph. Confounding is the fact that, these days, nearly half of all relationships in which the two partners are within a mere 2 or 3 years of each other also suffer shipwreck or divorce. So what the...??? Okay, so for couples born within, say, the same five years, it's about a 50 - 60% survival rate versus a 5 -10% survival rate for the big 'age-gappers'. *shrugs* Take your chances.
Time waits for no one. If we're lucky, we learn to face and accept these phases of life for what they are: merely the hangman's scaffoldings foreshadowing our own encroaching death. Unconsciously, we all fear death and all our neurotic and grabby behavior betrays us in this; we are born abhorring death in all its forms, even before we know what it is. But we don't recognize the signs and symbols of this fear, even when it's right under our noses! What do you think a man's mid-life crisis is, anyway? What do you think is happening when a woman in her 30s feels this irrepressible urge to experience childbirth for her first time? These are not purely hormonal phenomena alone. These are, simultaneously, the desperate thirst for more life and the fear of encroaching death.
There have been a handful of women the past twenty years that I loved deeply and profoundly, 3 or 4 at best. But for nearly these same twenty years, I also lingered in vain hope for one particular woman - Helena - who is bipolar (manic-depressive) but in denial about it. I told her - unequivocally and without a gram of arrogance - that she would never find anyone who would be as good to her as I had been...and would still be. And she agreed. She admitted this to me many times. But, though God's grace was always there, even in ways we still cannot perceive, the face of God - in his full blessing - was time and again turned aside from us. So, we never became more than what we were - two people desperately reaching out to each other, trying to simply make it all work. And failing. And for all this I have no answer. God only knows.
I see the wide-eyed wonder of Helena's 22-year old big, blue eyes - just as they were when I first met her - in the dark chocolate eyes of this young friend of mine. A wonder (and hapless naivete) about life, about her newfound 'freedom' and a seemingly endless horizon of new experiences awaiting her. I think now Helena is 39 or 40. And I see B.K., too, in her eyes, though B.K.'s 26 or more now. Yes, B.K.'s at that time in her life when she is just starting to 'get it' - passing through the mid-20s transition period at which psychiatrists and neurologists say our human identity, at long last, is pretty much 'in place' (25's the magic number, the experts say). Even her brain's frontal lobe is now fully developed. Hip-hip-hooray! She's officially a 'woman' - with that modest sense of continuity, sameness, and self-understanding called identity. Hey, I certainly didn't feel like I was truly a 'man' till I was at least 25, either. I didn't know who the hell I was before then, really. Not as well as I was going to know. And I am still learning, of course. But the foundation, the cornerstone, the basic frame of my identity has long been in place. Now, what you see is pretty much what you're gonna get.
But even now I am mostly past them, these two beautiful and verdant fascinations of years gone by. Mostly. They have been subsumed into my soul, so to speak; part of who I am today. Lessons learned. Powerful memories - mostly endearing and cherished, but some very painful and still haunting. But, essentially, they are now and increasingly mere abstractions. What these relationships once were to me simply doesn't quite make as much sense to me as they once did. With fear, panic, great calamity, and damn near catastrophe, I've pretty much turned the infamous mid-life corner. Finally. And by the skin of my teeth. What a hair-raising ride it's been! Only the man himself can truly understand this phase of his own life.
Now I see someone else going through what I went through, but it's with my dear friend. Better he than me, I suppose. And, though I don't know him personally, nor care to - I have to shake my head, out of both empathy and pity. I do understand his perspective, at least as much as I feel sorry for him, anyway. But if I were now to make such a decision as he is making, to act as he is acting, and a young woman her age was as willing for me as she now is for him, this time I hope to God I would be more deliberate - circumspect - worldly-wise - informed - self-aware - CONSCIOUS and CAREFUL - of what I was actually doing and of the foreseeable consequences and effects - for both our sakes. I would not want to involve myself with her out of the unconscious, unthinking, automatic, emotional/sexual compulsion of that roller-coaster panic known as a mid-life crisis. This is to protect my own heart as much as protect hers. But (!) - even though there is very likely a 'crash and burn' ahead for both of them, I do understand what he feels and the way he thinks right now. Oh, God, do I! "I am human. Nothing is alien to me."
All this talk of relationships makes me miss Helena a bit right now, I admit. And that's whacked, I know. I've spent a good bit of time lately with the friend mentioned above, helping her with some things - and with her there's this subtle but constant tension - the sweet nearness and unfolding vulnerability of a blossoming friendship versus the inherent unavailability and the measured, emotional distance we must at all times keep. All this - as well as an underlying gnawing concern over how things may go for her in her own romance (which, to me, seems somewhat like the frantic, last-minute rearranging of deck chairs on the Titanic) - well, just being exposed to it - being around it - having to deal with the fragility and precariousness of the friendship and that it feels (to me) neither "fully here nor fully there" but somewhere in between (normally I'm good with such tensions, too, but...) - this almost drives me a little bit crazy or schizoidal and back toward the relative comfort and familiarity of Helena, almost as if to higher ground in the face of an approaching tsunami. Crazy, I know. True, Helena can be volatile and passionate and seductive and lusty and confusing and tempestuous and very, very frustrating. But at least I know what to expect from her and from the relationship! *lol* There's a certain predictability there. She's like a favorite, soft, old, comfortable, mohair sweater wrapped snugly and warmly around me... that occasionally and very inconveniently turns into a six foot, 130 lb. boa constrictor - cold-blooded and deadly. But I know all this about her and can usually predict when she's about to morph into the icy reptile I've come to know... and love (?).
But seriously, setting Helena aside for the moment, I guess what all this symbolizes and reminds me is: If I need someone at all right now - a 'woman friend', that is - I need one that I can count on; someone who has a predictability factor and who understands relational reciprocity. And I'm not really getting that with the current 'regime' of women friends, as depleted as it's become these days. So, if I'm to hang with any one special person at all these days, I need to feel secure with her - to know where she stands with me - to know what to expect from her. Someone who's there for me, as much as I am for her - where we feel roughly the same about each other, for better or worse. But, then, this is only if I need or ought to be with anyone at all right now. That's still questionable.
It doesn't help that I'm just worn out from relationships in general. And rather uninspired. And if I'm not happy first making music, career-wise, I won't be able to add much to a marriage anymore, anyway. Hey, if you'd been through what I've been through with it all over the years, you'd understand why. And I don't hate women. Not at all. Only people who are emotionally immature make such sweeping statements with a straight face about the opposite sex (unless, of course, they've been the victim of serious abuse in some way). Have I had problems with certain individuals? Um, yeah. Who hasn't? Any man who's lived long enough is bound to have met a few rotten apples in the form of, let's see... psychos, users, backstabbers, emotional trainwrecks, the classic high-maintenance 'bee-utches', exhibitionistic narcissistic primadonnas, the over-needy 'kling-ons,' the Hallmark card smothering-mothering touchy-feelers, the girls who don't know what the hell they want, the drama queens, etc. Heck, I've run across a big, ol' nasty bag of these in my time. But there's still a whole luscious orchard out there. You know, plenty more fish in the sea and all that. The 'rare gem', the 'decent' girl, the quasi-'normal' person, the 'girl next door' - all still exist - and I've met plenty of them, too.
Anyway... there's nothing left to do but wait. And wait. And wait. But for whom or what, I can't say; I don't even know anymore. Certainly God. Yes. Always and by default. But, still...
Regardless, Spring is coming soon. And 'she' is never late. And it's always interesting, to say the least.
Yesterday, we recorded our first song with Shawn, our new lead singer. It went surprisingly well. He's a very fast learner and was very professional during the recordng process. He suggested several vocal ideas, stylistically, and virtually all of them worked beautifully and enhanced the song. I was especially impressed with his phrasing and vibrato. This is going to work. We'll try to record a second song next Sunday afternoon.
Today I had a another endoscopy, as a check-up. Gotta love that anesthesia! ;-) My first esophogeal ablation is next month, which will be followed by two or three more over a period of some months.
I'm very tired (!). It was busy today and will be all week.
Last Thursday, I stopped over to Ben's after work to drop off the Strat to have his son Aaron look at it - needs some tweaking. This Strat was Ben's and was sort of on loan to me for the past few months. Now, this Strat, it turns out, was a Christmas gift from Ben to me, and when he told me, I was thrilled! Because a Strat is just one of those kind of guitars that a guy like me needs to have at least one of. For the kind of music I write, it will surely come in handy often, and already has. So, God bless Ben for that 'little' surprise. :-)
Lon leaves for Texas on the 18th to pay his last respects to his mother, who is likely to die soon. He is wary of the whole thing for a number of reasons, but I think it will be good for him - healing for him to reconcile himself with the past there.
S.K. will come over Wednesday to prep for this weekend's photo shoot (guitar handling/posing, etc., just so she doesn't look TOO much like a total amateur. ;-) Yes, it's finally come - the photoshoot we've long been waiting for: the discerning photographic eye - the magical, artistic finesse - of my friend Ben finally applied to the classic beauty of my friend, S.K. Yes, this should be good. :-)
*Worked from 11:00 a.m. to 7:30 p.m. today recording basic tracks for the new song. I got the rhythm guitars, bass and drums down. I'll add keyboards and lead guitar throughout the week. When Shawn comes over this Sunday, we'll have him do the lead vocal. His first song with us right out of the gate. Bam!
This song has strong commercial potential - a tight, funky verse and a hooky radio-friendly chorus. As usual, we wrote it on acoustic guitar first (Lonnie played the 'pen and notepad,' agonizing over the lyric, mostly, with me chiming in as needed. It's a riot to see how intensely he goes at it, takes it very seriously!). But together we finished the lyric this morning and began recording. Love it. ;-) This process is as much fun as it is challenging. It's definitely all about synergy. It's like shifting some massive, awkward object down into place - finessing it, gently jibbing it back and forth - until it's just right. One small comment, correction, or suggestion either one of us makes in a given moment can really add to or even make the whole song - taking it in a completely different direction we hadn't foreseen. Fun stuff.
:-)
Back to work tomorrow, sadly. :-(
I look forward to 2008. If there's a new years resolution for me, it's to put all my spare time into getting this live band up and running. This past year was a year of some serious unexpected health issues - including the need for a minor heart surgery procedure and a couple other things. But through modern medical technology and by God's grace, I feel much, much better. It was also a year of lots of songwriting and musical productivity with good friends Ben and Lonnie - with these guys' help, we've been writing some of the best stuff of my life.
Today was simply an amazing day for me - S.K. came over - we selected her head-shots for her portfolio and, well, just had a really nice time here together for a couple of hours. It was an absolute delight to have her here and I hope it won't be her last visit. Presented her the one (of two) portraits I had done and she was very pleased, thankfully.
Afterward, Lonnie came over and we wrote another new song, which we'll begin recording tomorrow, New Years Day. We approached this one with a technique I have used occasionally before, but should use more often: we found a good beat on the Dr. Rhythm drum machine first and then began figuring out a good melody, followed by the chord accompaniment, then the lyrics - all in exactly that order. Sometimes using a drum track to get you started works wonders. :-)
At the end of night, both exhausted from working several hours on the new tune, we finished off with "The Beatles Complete" songbook, just singing a dozen or so Beatle tunes for kicks.
Happy New Year, one and all! :-)
* The Tennessee Titans are THIS close from getting into the play-offs. Will they do it? I'll know within minutes. YES! :-) They did it.
* Lon and I wrote a new song today. I had pretty much nailed music for it and he pretty much nailed the lyrics. So now we have three news songs to work on and our new singer, Shawn, is back in town, ready to get to work. So, we're going to get together next Sunday to officially BEGIN as a band.
* Also, Lon bought a Sony digital video cam so we can document it all over the months, shoot music videos and throw 'em up on YouTube and so on.
* Very happy with the 'new' car so far. Brought it home today.
* Lon's mother's condition is not optimistic.
Nothing else to report. Just a long day of running around and tying up loose ends with the car and other things.
